ENTERTAINTMENT

'Sahara' Plagues the Screen, Lacks Entertainment
Jason Kimbro | Staff Reporter

I don’t know why we keep on going on in a way that makes us known. I don’t know why we keep on keeping on in a way that makes us moan. I don’t know why the world has lost its way from all the better things unknown. I don’t know why our eyes gaze upon the evil seeds that Hollywood has sewn.
That is my poem, “An Ode to Celluloid Poop.”
Though “Sahara” isn’t necessarily celluloid poop, it comes about as close as one can get to being the proverbial excrement of the reel as one movie can get without actually achieving such a disdainful label.
Matthew McConaughey has given many a girl wet dreams of nakedness and bongo drums in Austin, all the while pumping out a few decent movies here and there, none nearly as wonderful as “Dazed and Confused,” but a few eye-rubbers worth seeing a time or two.
Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, seems to be falling into what I like to call the “John Travolta Spiral.” This quicksand of a doomsday effect is dangerous for most actors seeking to have a long career in successful, tasteful cinema. They choose to be in one stinker and they perpetually fall down the spiral of catastrophe, taking part in one bad, mismatched role after another.
All of that aside, here is Sahara’s gist:
Pitt (McConaughey) is an ex-navy SEAL. He and his lifelong friend, Al (Steve Zahn), have decided to join forces with some rich guy (William H. Macy) to go salvage sunken treasures across the world with the help of some obscure government association with some silly acronym I really don’t feel like researching right now.
While dredging up some goodies for a French museum owner (Lambert Wilson, the French dude from “The Matrix: Reloaded”) Pitt comes across a sexy female doctor (Penelope Cruz) working for the World Health Organization. I will look up that acronym for you.  It is W.H.O.
She needs to be saved from the clutches of your typical African-based adventure flick minion belonging to whoever the bad guy happens to be. In this film, it’s the French twad and some militant general.
She is on the search of a plague that is killing many people in Mali, the setting for most of this flick. At the same time, Pitt has discovered a coin connected to a missing Iron Clad from the Civil War has been found in the desert in Mali as well.
Now Pitt must find the elusive clad, help the sultry female doctor with the sexy lips and large nose, all the while putting up with his sidekick Al’s silly remarks in times of extreme danger.
Somehow a moral story concerning toxic waste is thrown into the whole bunch, and we are all better people for embracing the human tale involved. Blah.
Entertainment is a stone’s throw away, but it isn’t exactly within reach in this film. There are a few decent explosions and a bullet or two, but nothing you wouldn’t have seen on the trailer.
Performances weren’t too shabby. Cruz was definitely miscast. Janeane Garafolo would have been a better choice, and I mean that both seriously and sardonically. This was probably the best-matched role for McConaughey since “Dazed and Confused.”
The story was a bit weak. It pretty much falls under the same category as the two Tomb Raider poop-machines starring the over-lipped Jolie. Some escapes were a bit too far-fetched and convenient, the kind of stuff that could only be pulled off in a James Bond flick.
There really wasn’t much of an aura to this movie. You are at one minute trying to gather yourself and gain a bit of historical significance, the next being pulled into the drama of sick, dying children, then onto the wacky adventures of a rag-tag group of treasure hunters. 
Pulled left and right, you really wish you could get out of that taffy machine before it is all said and done.
I hope you have all enjoyed my stint as The Wichitan’s movie critic, but I must sadly step down from my post and hand the torch over. I want to thank you all for reading my columns and my reviews, and I hope that you all give my replacement the same kindness and respect that you have given me.
And now I would like to wish my replacement the best of luck. Good luck, dear, dear Ann Coulter. May your days be at The Wichitan be as free-spirited as mine. And may you do something about that frostbite on your face; you should’ve had that fixed years ago!
Just kidding, folks! See you next week where my next review will be the remake of the immortal horror classic “The Amityville Horror,” starring Ryan Reynolds and produced by Michael Bay! God help us all.



Upcoming Country Star Wade Bowen to Rock Outskirts
Richard Carter | Music Critic

Singer-songwriter Wade Bowen’s first guitar, autographed by Faith Hill and several other Nashville-ites, was stolen by some piker when he was 12 years old.
Rather than quit music right then and there, he used the insurance money to get a better guitar. By the time Bowen got to Texas Tech—the place that launched Pat Green, Deryl Dodd and Ben Atkins among others, everything began to jell.
He started his first band, completed a degree in public relations and marketing and has recently written hit singles with Green. He’s also playing over 200 dates a year with his own band.
A hard-core country fan who likes to rock, Bowen will be bringing his five piece band to The Outskirts this Thursday. He’ll likely have a roadie keeping an eye on his guitars.
In an interview on the road to Corpus Christi, Bowen said that he is real happy with the band’s recent live shows. They recently introduced some of their new songs into their sets.
“The new CD is going great, going great, real slow but, hopefully, at the end of this month, we’ll have it done,” he said. We’ll try to get it out by the end of the year.”
Several major labels are interested in his band, but Bowen’s happy to put the CD on his own label if a corporate deal doesn’t happen. “I’ve never been more excited about anything. I think it’s going to be a really cool record for us.”
Along with logging serious studio time, Bowen’s been playing live with such stars as Green and Jack Ingram. He’s also done high-profile shows with Gary Allan and Dierks Bentley.
It’s been a long road since his formative years in Waco, when, at the age of 10, he got his first guitar. While he spent a lot of time listening to music and playing golf, it wasn’t until he was a senior in high school that he took his guitar playing seriously.
“My roots are embedded pretty heavily in country music and always have been. But I kind of ventured into various other types of music over the years,” he said.
In addition to the singer songwriters and mainstream country, Bowen appreciates rock music, old and new. His band plays some covers by Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, Ryan Adams and Bob Dylan.
For his newest record, he’s drawing on the influence of Bruce Springsteen. “I’m really into the dark stuff like that. Every one of his records are like a different movie,” he said.
 It’s hard for Bowen to categorize his music because it’s changed so much over the years. “I try to not get categorized, ‘cause I’d like to be able to do it all. Rock and roll and country or whatever may be,” he said.
As long as people are liking it, he said, it’s all good. “You always want people having fun,” he said. “We want people up front rocking out with us. We’re kind of an in-your-face type band.”
But, even when no one’s looking, don’t even think about stealing any of his guitars.