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Welcome to Campus: handicapped hell
Abigail Carter | Managing Editor

Recently, I spent part of my morning in a wheelchair. I did this at the suggestion of a friend of mine, Amanda Carr, senior mass communications major, who often requires a wheelchair. She wanted an able-bodied student to experience MSU life on wheels.
After less than two hours of struggling through doorways and into bathrooms, I was sweaty, tired, blistered, and pissed off. It took me that amount of time to go through five buildings when it usually would have taken me 20 minutes, max.
Carr led me around campus, starting with the Liberal Arts building and progressing through the Clark Student Center, Fain Fine Arts building, Fowler building, and library. We did not choose this route per say-it was the only way we could go. Let me explain.
You see, outside of the Liberal Arts building, there are no ramps into the parking lot. A manual wheelchair cannot go down a curb because the chair will tip over, and its passenger will fall out. So, to get to that parking lot or the Fain Fine Arts center, you’d first have to go through the doors by the post office into the Clark Student Center, because they are the only ones on that side of the building that are not too heavy to open. Once inside, you’d have to go down the hall and through the dining area, past Shawnee Theatre, and out the doors on the other side of the building. Which is what we did. By the time we got to Shawnee Theatre, I needed a bathroom break. I shoved my way into the bathroom across from the theatre, which happened to be accessible. Unfortunately, a large, able-bodied woman was occupying it when I arrived. After an unnecessary wait, she vacated the premises and I attempted to utilize the facilities.
It involved some creative dressing procedures, and was, all in all, an incredible pain in the ass. There should be a seat next to the toilet or something, and it could still use more space. It didn’t help matters that I had my legs belted together to make my plight more realistic. And that was the best of the best as far as the bathrooms went.
On the west side of the student center there are ramps on either side of the entry that lead into the street. Crossing the street was an adventure. It’s scary to imagine that someone might not see you while crossing, but it’s a very real fear when you are a foot or two shorter than everyone else. Diagonally across the street was a ramp up onto the sidewalk, behind the fine arts center. That sidewalk just about killed me. It was built at such an angle that it’s constantly trying to pitch you into parked cars, the street, or oncoming traffic. I cannot even fathom how difficult it would be to navigate that sidewalk were it iced over.
Once we got to the Fain building, we could barely get inside. The doors there are very heavy and all manual. Thankfully, several students were kind enough to open and hold doors for us as we traversed the campus, or our trip would have taken much longer.
In Fain, there are no accessible bathrooms. Let me rephrase that. There is one bathroom that has an accessible entry, sort of. It’s the one with the western-style saloon doors. You know, those doors are at a perfect height to break your nose if you’re in a wheelchair. However, I couldn’t use any of the stalls. Once I wheeled myself part–way in, there was no more room, and my wheels still stuck out the door. I guess if you are a handicapped person in the fine arts building, you have to pee with the door open.
Fain’s parking lot is no better. There are currently something like four handicapped spaces blocked off by a chain-link fence right now, due to construction. There is only one handicapped space in the lot, and it has a ramp up onto the sidewalk. Or, at least, a section of sidewalk. Because to get anywhere from that section of sidewalk, you have to go up a step, which was, for me, impossible, or down a step, which would’ve been stupid because the chair would have tipped. And if I really couldn’t walk, that would leave me in a very bad and dangerous, situation.
By this time, I was already exhausted. Carr humored me with short rests as we continued our journey over to Fowler. Again, I wrestled the sidewalks. Half of the trip, my wheels straining to run downhill, which is natural. I couldn’t blame the chair. I can, however, blame the campus administration that label sections of campus handicapped-accessible. That’s a joke.
The back doors of the Fowler building have large, yellow stickers that read “Caution: automatic doors.” However, there was no button inside or out, and the doors worked manually, as did most of the doors on campus.
The exception to this was in the Liberal Arts building, which is quite handicapped-accessible, and the entry of the library. I guess that sticker is just put there to portray a false image. Or maybe it only works in emergencies like tornadoes, fires or floods, when most automatically-operated machines and electric operations fail.
The elevator in Fowler was like being inside a fun house. It was frightening. Lucky for me, I like creepy, horrible things, but it also gave me a very uncool feeling of vulnerability. If that sucker decided to drop just then, due to cable breakage or what-have-you, I would’ve been screwed. As for the bathrooms, we couldn’t even find them. A nice young man pointed us to a locked classroom and scurried away, but there wasn’t a bathroom in sight.
From there, we went to the library via the sidewalk on the north side of the student center. That walk’s gotta be the most dangerous, difficult, aggravating sidewalk on campus. Just like the one by Fain, it constantly wanted me to roll into the street. It was like wheeling sideways across the slope of a hill. Really, it was so ridiculous, it was funny. “You really have to have a sense of humor,” Carr said. She’s right.
The library had the previously mentioned automatic–entry doors, but the restrooms are just as useless as the others, unless you happen to enjoy crawling and exhibitionism.
It was interesting to see the world from another perspective. It was more interesting to see how the world saw me. I’m no hot chick, but usually, a fair number of guys will meet my eyes while walking to and from classes. However, in a wheelchair, I am almost invisible. It was really unsettling to see how quickly I became someone to avoid. People did not meet my eye, or seem to even notice our presence.
Part of this is caused by parents’ mismanagement of social skills, as well as miscommunication. People teach their children it is impolite to ask handicapped people what is wrong with them, so those children grow into adults who refuse to see or avoid handicapped people.
Also, there is misunderstanding between those who are able-bodied and those who are handicapped. A person in a wheelchair has asked me for directions before, and in leading them to their destination, I would often hurry, so I didn’t end up slowing them down or getting in their way. But from the wheelchair-bound point-of-view, it appears as if your guide is running from you.
We all need to take a little more time in our lives to appreciate and embrace our differences rather than shun them. As Carr said, “Anyone could get into a wreck on the way home tonight and be in a wheelchair tomorrow.”
By the end of the day, I was so mad I was laughing at the futility of it all. There is so much wrong with the campus, how can they ever fix it when they’re blowing money on wellness centers? In order to what, put in a pool that isn’t nearly as cool as the pool which MSU previously had but filled with concrete to facilitate an additional weight room? Will this wellness center be “handicapped-accessible” like the rest of the campus? How about the pool? Will it have the same “separate but equal” facilities? Will it be thoughtfully built with the needs of all kinds of students in mind or will it only contain what state law mandates it must?


Enough Questions to tide you from Thanksgiving to X-mas
Camron Rushin | Editor-In-Chief

Q. I am bulimic, and I need help. I have been doing this for about a year and a half, and I'm scared because I can't stop. I need help! What should I do? What should my first step be?
A. The first step is to start eating. Step two is to not throw it up. If you can get past these first two steps you should try to repeat step one and two over and over until you return to normal. If you can’t stop throwing up maybe you have some other problem. Maybe you’re actually allergic to all the things you’re eating. 
Q. My new boyfriend and I get along great. The problem? He's Catholic. There's nothing wrong with the religion or anything; it's just that I don't have a religion. I had a boyfriend a few years back who was Catholic, and his mom made him dump me because I wasn't. I like this guy way too much to let that happen. Is there any way to avoid this?
A. You could always convert yourself. If someone’s mom has that much power over him then he’s just a sissy anyway and deserves to be dumped. I recommend starting your own religion and trying to convert him to whatever that may be. I’m sure his family will appreciate that.
Q. I am going to homecoming with my friend who is the sweetest guy in the world. I want to let him know that I really like him but I'd have to do it in a subtle way so that if he doesn't feel the same way, the rest of the dance won't be awkward for us. Is there anything I can do to let him know without telling him outright?
A. Since it is a school dance you’ll probably both get wasted, then you should probably get a hotel room afterwards and just get after it. The most romantic gesture in high school is to sleep together after a school dance. If he doesn’t get the clue, there are several other guys who will.
Q. I have a crush on this guy but my friend told me that he told her he wouldn't go out with me because I'm not all that good looking. lots of other boys that i like wont go out wit me either because I'm not all that good looking. I'm a nice and funny person. why cant they recognize me for that?
A. Maybe it has nothing to do with your terrible looks but your lack of capitalization and spelling skills. I mean seriously, you misspelled ‘with.’ Don’t worry about it if these “cool” guys don’t like you. There are plenty of guys that aren’t good looking either that would probably love to go out with you.
Q.I broke up with my boyfriend, and I was really mean to him. I guess I just came up with stupid reasons, but someone who was supposed to be my friend started liking him all of a sudden. Now since she wants him I want him to be happy. He said he would never break up with me, and that bothers me because even if he wanted to break up with me he would not have. Well, I want him back now. I care about him so much, but I do not know how to go about it. Can anyone help me?
A. Whoaaaa there crazy. People like you are the main reason guys don’t like to get involved in a relationship in a first place. You broke up with him and it’s your loss. You’re not the first girl to break up with a guy over stupid things you’ve just made up. I recommend checking yourself into a mental institution. You are not fit for society.
Q. well theres this guy and hes goin out with this stuck-up snob and like in math,science and health class he always makes funny sounds just to get my attention so i look back ,he smiles and then i turn back and he does it again so i am wondering if he likes me or not?
A. Is this the same ugly girl who couldn’t spell in that last question? The answer is like “no.” You’re not attractive, you can’t spell or capitalize and your sentence structure is horrible. Those noises he’s making are probably oinks or barks. If you don’t understand what that means put your head under a car tire.
Q. I've been dating a guy for 2 months and last night he says that he is a father to a 6-week-old child! His explanation was that he has not been involved with the mom for 8 months and they had a brief relationship, but he is taking responsibility for the child and he "really is starting to care about me, so he wanted to let me know." Wow. What do you think?
A. Sounds like he’s looking for a good mom to take care of his kid and do his laundry and make his meals and clean his house. Run
Q. My girlfriend is coming to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving for the first time. Problem is, I come from white trash; she was born rich. How can I prepare her for hell?
A. If she can’t accept that your dad has a mullet, your mom chews tobacco and your sister is covered in moles, she needs to be kicked to the curb. I’m sure her family is just as creepy but with lots of money.
Q. My new girlfriend leaves all her stuff in my bathroom when she stays over. How can I reclaim my space?
A. Don’t let her stay at your place anymore.
Q. I cried in front of my girlfriend and she called me a sissy. I thought women liked men who cried. What gives?
A. I once thought the same thing, but that’s just a lie girls tell so they can make fun of you later on. I cried in front of my girlfriend and she left me. Then I really had something to cry about. If you ever feel like you’re going to cry, pretend like a bug flew into your eye or your dog died.
Q. My girlfriend cooks huge meals and gets offended when I say no to thirds. Is she trying to make me fat?
A. Yes. Once you’re good and fat you’ll have no other chance with another girl and she’ll have you all to herself.
Q. I was at a party at my boyfriend’s house. His friend, whom he only tolerates, and doesn't really like asked for my #. Being drunk, I gave it to him, not thinking about anything other than it is just a phone number. My boyfriend found out, well, I told him, and he got furious! He says I made a poor decision, and will not forgive me for it. What should I do to make him understand it is just a phone number?
A. You’re a complete idiot. You know if you would have caught him giving his number to another girl he’d never live it down. Being drunk is no excuse for being stupid. Your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s too great anyway, so I suggest you drive off a cliff.

With Cheese-covered digits, Kimbro flips you the Bird
Jason Kimbro | Staff Reporter

I must admit, after the election earlier this month, there were quite a few sore losers. The thing that threw me for a loop is all the sore winners. 
So here is a little satire for all of you out there who are actually sore that you have won and are wondering why the ones who lost were complaining in the first place. Yes, a satire that, if you read last week’s Wichitan at all, you will recognize.
To all of those who got what they want out of the election but are still digging up things to complain about, I shoot you the bird.
To all the cheese manufacturers who voted for lower sodium content and higher (something healthy that doesn’t taste so good) content, I shoot you the bird.
To all the skinny chicks who would not get with me, I shoot you the bird.
To all the fat chicks who were the only ones who would get with me, I shoot you the bird.
To all the Martians who insist on anally probing me and my kind down in Olney, I gleefully extend the middle appendage that rests upon that palm that is connected to the forearm that is joined at the elbow to the rest of my arm, which is connected to my torso at the shoulder.
To all the cows with axes that are chasing after me in my dreams, I pull the trigger to the weird little gun that shoots the bird.
To all the little girls with axes chasing after me in my other dreams, I flip that middle finger up with joy.
To all the people at the college bowl who knew more than I did, so pretty much every body at college bowl, I shoot thee thy bird so true.
To all of you who think the mold upon bleu cheese is more gross than how cheese is made to begin with, I flick my longest finger upward.
To that boil that has been bothering me since third grade, stick out my middle finger and begin to scratch.
To the Aramark people who keep making them damn good cookies, thus contributing to my death at 45, I shoot you the bird.
To that professor who wouldn’t give me an “A” even after I did those unspeakable acts in front of a camera for him, oops, I mean her, I MEAN HER, I flippeth thee offeth.
To all of those who don’t think I am big pimpin, spending the cheese, I shoot you a bird or two.
Man, this could go on forever.
To all those ex-girlfriends who said I was too devoted, too nice, too affectionate, and who will realize how they f*#@ed up when they are old, crusty and alone at the age of 45, crying at my funeral, I flip you a dead finger.
To my lizard, Chim Chim Cheroo who needs to calm down and stop trying to bite me every time I reach into his cage, I flip you the bird.
To the McDonalds corporation for making salads with 33 grams of fat, I shoot you the bird.
To Grandpa Jones for dying and not proving my theory that he was the world’s only immortal, I pull out my middle fiddle twig.
To Minnie Pearl for wearing a price tag on her hat all the time and making me think it was a tea bag (I am sure that was her intention) I shoot you the winged creature with feathers.
To Pixar for hogging all the best writers in Hollywood, I shoot you the bird.
To the readers of the Wichitan who do not think my articles are the best they have ever read whilst sitting on a toilet thinking of past sexual experiences, I (another phrase which represents flipping off).
And finally, to those of you who cannot take a joke, cannot smile and laugh every once in a while, who have large, splintery sticks up their caboose, who cannot have fun at  Wal-Mart and are annoyed by those who do, and who plan on writing a letter to the editor in regards to this column, I flip you the (bad word) off!
Thank you and have a good day.  Jesus loves you.