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This
column is as bad as like, whatever
Imajun the wurld without English teechers. Perhaps you don’t
realize their impact on a day-to-day basis, but here’s a
story using actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school student essays. It started off like any good story—with
a beautiful girl. Her name was Cynthia. She had eyes like
limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
Ryan and Cynthia hadn’t known each other long, but she grew
on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian
beef. Yet Ryan never knew quite how to express his love
for Cynthia. His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
So Ryan took Cynthia out for a romantic boat ride in the
moonlight. But romance soon went adrift when their boat
sprang a leak and floated with the buoyancy of a bowling
ball. Worse yet, it started to rain. In the moonlight, Cynthia’s
hair glistened like nose hair after a sneeze. The young
lovers swam to shore and collapsed in the nearby parking
lot as the hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease. “Oh, Ryan, take
me!” Cynthia panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night. So Ryan did. It was an American
tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. And
from that point on, his love for Cynthia grew, and not just
because she was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Every
time she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were
a garbage truck backing up. His big mistake came when he
told her she had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh like that
sound a dog makes just before he throws up. Ryan realized
he could not lose this girl, so he made a plan. His plan
was simple, like his brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work. He would win Cynthia’s love with
his wisdom—the kind that can come only from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now
goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole
in it. Ryan remembered the words of his grandpa, who, even
in his last years, had a mind like a steel trap—only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. “Love
hurts,” Ryan’s grandpa had said, “the way your tongue hurts
after you accidentally staple it to the wall.” So Ryan went
crawling back to Cynthia like a centipede with 98 missing
legs. “I couldn’t help it,” Ryan said. “Love can be so surreal
like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.” “That excuse is as
lame as a duck,” Cynthia said. “Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe
from stepping on a landmine or something.” “I’m so sorry,”
Ryan pleaded as he jumped out the 12th story window, hitting
the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
And since nothing else in this story makes sense, John miraculously
lived. And with pavement rocks still stuck to his face,
he raced toward Cynthia and she toward him like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling
at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed
of 35 mph. And the two soon married and lived happily ever
after in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. The end. Thank goodness.
Psychic
musings prove to be all too predictable
“Call me now for your free psychic reading!” We’ve all seen the late night infomercials for psychic hotlines. You know—the ones that try to lure you into dialing by offering the first three minutes of each call free of charge? Has anyone realized the psychics tell the callers things they already know?! Example: Psychic says, “I see … Dillard’s is having a sale this weekend.” Caller exclaims, “Gasp! That’s right! They are having a sale on women’s shoes this Friday! How did you know?” The above example is easy, because Dillard’s has a sale every weekend. But psychics arrive at most of their “amazing” observations by asking a plethora of “yes” or “no” questions. This technique keeps them on the right track and allows for an easy recovery after a bad guess. Example: Psychic says, “Hmmmm … I see … something about stale biscuits … right or wrong?” Caller responds, “Well, I did go to a Limp Bizkit concert last Friday…” To which the psychic replies, “Oh, that must be what I’m seeing…” Not only was the psychic wrong about the condition of the biscuits, but he or she was able to take credit for something the caller had just told him or her! When all else fails, a psychic will resort to flattery. Deep down, we all suspect we’re unique and pretty wonderful. Or, at least we hope we are. Sometimes all a psychic has to do is say something a person already believes or wants to hear. Example: Psychic says, “You’re going to ace your physics exam on Monday.” Caller thinks, “Cha-ching! I haven’t even studied, either!” Once you know how psychics come to their conclusions, they no longer seem mystical. But what about horoscopes? Even people who don’t really believe in horoscopes enjoy reading them. Sometimes the forecast for your sign is so accurate you feel the need to pinch yourself just to make sure you aren’t dreaming. Example: Your horoscope warns of difficulties on the 4th. Wow! Is it no wonder you bomb your history test on the 4th?! However, you likely have difficulties every day of the month—you were simply watching for them on the 4th. So how do horoscopes work? Horoscopes work because all the signs point to the same thing! The predictions are general enough to always be at least a little bit true for everyone. Why don’t you try reading all the horoscopes next time instead of just the one for your sign? I predict your sign won’t be the only one to describe your day or personality. While horoscopes and the like are fun for entertainment purposes, I wouldn’t recommend using them when you need solid advice. Your friends and family would probably give better guidance since they really know you. Plus, they aren’t likely to charge you $3.99 per minute! Weiss, a junior mass communication major, hails from LaMoore, Calif.
Speak
your mind
After reading the staff editorial commenting on affirmative action in the Dec. 4, 2002 newspaper, I realized how ignorant a lot of people in this country are, and that the article, in my opinion, had no real argument at all. What really caught my attention was when the person that wrote this article asked, “How can minorities accept affirmative action?” So, I answer this question. It is the one thing in this country that is giving minorities a fair chance. And does affirmative action always work? Hardly ever. To say being “white” doesn’t equal better opportunities is completely bogus. People in this land of equal opportunity judge you by your skin color. And how does affirmative action benefit minorities when a Caucasian can go to a predominantly African-American university and have free tuition just because they are Caucasian? I ask is this fair? And yes, a person’s skin color does prove their potential success or failure. Minorities with a degree have been turned down for jobs they are more than qualified for, only to have a less qualified Caucasian hired instead. And minorities in the same jobs as Caucasions get payed up to 60 percent less Caucasians. This happens a lot in big corporate jobs where degrees and higher education are required. My point is, affirmative action is needed in this country, whether people disagree with it or not. Affirmative action has not served its purpose until the day that all minorities are truly treated equal in all aspects of life. Erika L. Phillips
Letters
to the Editor
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